As I sit in the Owheo Linux lab I’m forced to think about God, Christianity and Church. What do I believe?
I’m meeting up with Ps. Mike tomorrow morning. I’m certain he knows I haven’t been to church for a long time, but he doesn’t know where I’m at. I’m sure anyone can guess and I’d be surprised if talk hasn’t circulated around the church about me and what I’ve been doing lately. How I’ve “back sliding”.
Do I regret the choices that I’ve made? I feel like I should, but I don’t. I’m finally getting myself sorted out. I know people say that God is all you need and all you need to do is let God in and he will fill the void/make it all go away, but I’ve tried that method and I’m still messed up. I’m taking a different route this time. I’m seeing doctors, psychiatrists, couselors and taking medication. I wish it were easier and it could all be make better in a moment, but it’s a process and I’m finally getting better. The choices I have made this year, whether they be good or bad, were definitely worth it to finally start feel this way.
I still have a long way to go, but I’m becoming more patient. I’m finally more positive, not just about life but also about myself. My negative-pessimistic thoughts are slowly being replaced by positive-optimistic thoughts. I still have bad days where I wish I were dead, but I have more good days now. I’m learning to no longer pretend like I’m okay. It helps that I spend most of my time with a friend who knows my situation. He tells me to cry if I want to and gets me to talk to him about the reasons I’m feeling down and helps me work through some sort of solution. He’s become my best friend. He’s helped me to stop pretending.
So, what do I believe? It’s still a blurry subject that I have no answer to. Do I believe in God? I don’t think I do. Will I go back to church? I don’t plan on going back.
I do miss the people, but I know that’s not a good reason to go back. I still have Christian friends and hang out with them regularly. I have new friends now who aren’t Christian and I spend more time with one particular friend. I like life this way. I’m happy.











