Letter to a Friend [Oct 15, 2009 @ 20:55]

“I take a pill everyday to help me deal with life.”

I stood at the bus stop contemplating life. How did I reach this point? When did things change?

I remember a time when I would play with my siblings in the yard or paddock out back. We would pick flowers and run through the grass. Play non-stop cricket with a rubbish bin for wickets. I remember laughing.

“I’m not the same kid I was when I was younger.”

I remember the nightmares. I remember the hands that touched me without my consent. I remember the tears, I remember the pain.

“Oh my God, I’ve lost control. I stare at accidents in a sick attempt to feel at all.”

I think about death and it’s sweet embrace. I think about how calm and worry free I would be if I didn’t exist. I think about how easy it would be to end it all. How did life get to this point?

One day I was thinking about the best way to die, I came up with jumping off a cliff. Would I actually do it? I don’t think I would but I worry.

Another day I thought about how easy it would be to step in front of a bus. Would I do it? I don’t think I would but I worry.

It scares me.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to shower. I don’t want to get dressed. I want to hide away and not think about anything, not exist. How did life get to this point?

“I hope my mother and my father think. That they raised a healthy [girl]. Who needs the help of a shrink. To even leave the house?”

I think about the family I’ve lost while I’ve been here. I missed their funerals. I miss them. I don’t go to the cemetery because seeing their graves would prove that they’re really gone. That I will never see them again.

I’m 23 and I think about dying. But then i think about my family and friends. I think about how they would react.

When I think about home I think about my gorgeous niece. Her smile, warm hugs, loving nature and sweet kisses. When I’m at home she tells me that she loves me, asks if I love her and tells me that she misses me when I’m away. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as I love her. She’s the sweetest and brightest kid I’ve ever known, and I’ve known a lot of kids. I could never hurt her like that.

When I think about home I think about my parents. I think about how much they’ve done for me. I know they worry and I know how much it would pain them if I were to do it. The thought of how much it would hurt them alone is enough to stop me. I’ve seen my parents when they’ve lost loved ones. Even though I’m the middle girl I’m still my dad’s little girl. I couldn’t do that to my parents, I couldn’t hurt them that much.

When I think of this place, I think about you. I think about how much you worry about me. I think about how you made me promise to see a counselor. I think about how it’s you who makes sure I take my medication. I think about what you’ve said to me to help me get through. I think about how you help me get up every morning, you help me care. I think about how much you care.

I think about dying, but death does not entice me. Death scares me. If I die I will no longer see my loved ones. I wont be able to go home and see my family. I wont be able to make sure my niece and nephew are okay. I wont be better. I worry that one day you wont be my friend, but how can we still be friends if I’m dead.

“I hold my shaking hand and he gives me medicine. It almost makes me feel at home. But they slowly steal my soul. I tell him I still feel alone ‘Don’t worry someday I promise you will feel whole'”

I know I’ll feel better. I just need to be patient. I long for a time when I don’t think about dying.

Song: Senses Fail – Still Searching

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